Sort of like the radio show.
Only with better grammar.
THAT is great. But what about a nice, big ceramic pot?
If the ceramic pot is 24-36" across at the top and at least 24" tall, it should be ok. Ceramic pots tend to dry out quickly and the soil pulls away from the sides of the pot if the soil gets too dry. Then the water runs down the side of the pot.
I have 2 giant pots. One with a variegated lemon the other with a satsuma mandarin. I haven't experienced the problems you list but I have experienced how heavy they are. Make sure wherever you plant them that that is the place for eternity.